Write down the situations which are bothering you most.
In what situations are you giving up your happiness and life for someone else? What happens? Are they making too many requests?
When are you feeling frustrated in your relationships?
When you say no to a request, do you feel guilty? What makes you feel guilty when you say no or want to say no?
When you do something for someone else, do you short-circuit some responsibility you need to accomplish for your own life?
When are you taking on someone else's responsibilities? Is that person needy (disabled, overworked, etc.) or is he or she quite capable of accomplishing these tasks?
Write these questions out and answer with specific examples from your own life. You need to explore your own life and relationships and learn to be assertive with people and take better care of yourself.
Obviously, Christians are asked to go the extra mile and to be kind and generous. In order to know when you are helping someone out versus when you are helping them continue a life of selfishness or irresponsibility, ask yourself this: "Is this person asking you to do something because he or she really has a need or is it because you have always done it and/or he or she is avoiding responsibility?"
Resources:
Get the following books: Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower, Susan Anthony Bower or Telling Each Other the Truth by William Backus, Marie Chapian and/or Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie from our resources page.
Read the article on assertiveness on our web site.
Also, consider how God can help you discern when helping someone is helpful through prayer and reading scriptures such as the book of Proverbs and the gospel of John.
Take care of yourself. Make sure you focus on accomplishing personal responsibilities and keeping yourself healthy through exercise, and growing in spiritual, mental and emotional health. Put Jesus Christ first in your life, get fellowship and support in a local church. If you don't have a church check out Willow Creek church for a referral to a solid evangelical church near you. If you need to seek counseliing because this issue has caused you to feel depressed or anxious, See the AACC directory for a list of counselors in your area.
© copyright 2007 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC