Entering Someone's World: One of the best ways to endear people to yourself is to be able to ask them questions about themselves and to really listen to what they say to you. People love to talk about themselves- so write out and be prepared to ask them some questions which will help you find out more about who they are and what their life is like. Then be prepared to really listen and paraphrase what they say. If you can paraphrase and summarize what someone has said to you, you will send the message that you understand and care for him/her. This is one of the most important ways you can validate someone. This also helps you begin to empathize with people because you start putting yourself in their place and enter their world. Here are some examples of how to show supportiveness and how to paraphrase.

Practice these with someone.

Supportiveness and paraphrasing skills. Many people are good at one of these, few have the ability to learn these skills along with assertiveness. When supportiveness and paraphrasing skills are combined with assertiveness- the results are remarkably effective. With practice anyone can learn it!

A. SUPPORTIVENESS SKILLS:
These are abilities which can be learned to build trust and understanding between you and someone else which communicates, "I'm on your side."

1. OPEN RESPONSES - the ability to communicate openness to help facilitate gaining further information, even if that information may be critical or emotional.

Sample Open Responses:

"....Say more about . . ."
"....I'm confused about . . ."
"....Spell that out further . . ."
"....Give me a specific example so I can understand more clearly . . ."

Practice Open Responses:
(a) Your friend says to you, "I feel that people don't really care very much about me. It seems that in every situation people tend to ignore me"
You say:

(b) Your neighbor says to you, "I thought this community would be a lot more peaceful when I moved here. I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping at night."
You say:

2. UNDERSTANDING RESPONSES: This is the ability to demonstrate to someone else, especially an antagonist, that you understand what he or she is trying to communicate. Accomplished by paraphrasing.
Paraphrasing is-
stating in your own words
what the other person said.
* Focus on the speaker (You . . )
* Be brief
* Fact/Feeling
(show you grasp what the speaker is most concerned about)
Begin by saying: "In other words..."
"Let me get this straight..."
"So you felt that..."
"What I hear you saing is..."
"If I understand you correctly..."
"Would you say that ...?"
"Do I understand you to mean...?"
"Do you mean...?"

Sample Paraphrases:
"You were really scared"
"You'd rather stay home"
"You feel frustrated"
"You felt it was very unfair for me to . . ."
"From your perspective I was not being helpful when I . . ."
"The meeting last night went too long and you're especially frustrated with_____ since I had promised to keep things ___(short . . . )"
"I want to make sure I'm understanding you accurately. You're angry because . ."

(DON'T SAY . . ."What I hear you saying . . .!" as it will sound like a crutch phrase to the person you are paraphrasing.)
If you can enter into another person's world by using empathy - reflecting back and paraphrasing what they have said... you will show them you care and probably win them over.

© copyright 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC