Question: I have been married for 10 horrible years! I have finally just realized why my husband behaves and treats me and the kids the way he does, he’s a batterer. We’ve gone broke going to counseling and psychiatrists trying to figure it out. Now it all makes sense.
If you specialize in this type of counseling I would like some information on resources we could possibly use if he’s open to it.
He constantly turns everything into a nonsense argument with no point or subject matter, twists things, and blames, blames, blames. My head feels like a racquetball most of the time leaving me drained and struggling to focus on anything else in my life, much less enjoy life.
Do you have any advice? My kids are suffering terribly watching all of this.
Thank you,
Anonymous Struggler
Answer: Dear Friend, I am sorry to read about your plight. I recommend that you get separate counseling for yourself. You can get free counseling at a domestic violence center in your area. See:
National Domestic Violence Hotline for many articles and a national hotline.
Outside of a radical change of heart and turning to God for help - I doubt your husband will make the necessary changes he needs to make for you to feel safe in the relationship. He also is denying he has a problem and thus, he cannot change and will not until he recognizes his need and problem.
You might consider separating for awhile to give yourself some time and space to think things over and to protect yourself. You definitely need counseling. If you want to see a Christian counselor visit:
http://www.aacc.net I don't recommend couple's counseling since he is not taking personal responsiblity for his issues. It will just turn into a blame session. The domestic violence community doesn't recommend couple's counseling when a spouse is a batterer. He needs to take a batterer's intervention program and seek personal counseling. Even if he does - I would suggest you be wise and cautious because any change or steps to seek counseling on his part may not be permanent.
See: www.saferelationships.net for other articles.
Order a couple of the domestic violence resources I offer at the
http://www.saferelationships.net site. Both you and your husband will benefit from these resources. You do need to learn assertiveness and to set boundaries. I suggest that you do not allow your husband to verbally abuse you. If he begins to communicate disrespect or start putting you down. Call a time-out. You cannot allow him to continue the verbal abuse. A time-out will give you both time to think over the issue(s), time for him to cool off and then, to come back together (within 30 minutes or 2 hours) to talk only about the issue/situation and make a request for change of behavior.
Use the following approach:
When you ___________________________________________________ (describe the behavior only - no character assassinations, blaming, or mind-reading)
In situation___________________________________________________
I feel (disappointed, hurt, rejected, frustrated, etc.)_________________________________
Then, make a request for change in a respectful way. EX: "I am asking that you take time to listen to me and respond."
Ask your husband to order the book and course:
What's Good About Anger? Some of the chapters deal with better communication. And he does need to evaluate and control his anger and learn healthy ways to express it. Obviously, he has "control issues" which need to be addressed. He could get some phone counseling if he likes.
I hope this information is helpful you. You will gain something from taking the course as well. God bless you!!!!
Truly yours,
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
More Articles on Domestic Violence
Lynette Hoy
Lynette J. Hoy is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the State of Illinois. She is credentialed by the NBCC as a National Certified Counselor (NCC) and has been granted the credential: Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor by the International Board of Christian Counselors. Lynette is designated by the National Anger Management Association as an Anger Management Supervisor, Consultant, Diplomate and Certified Anger Management Specialist-1V. She has co-authored three editions of the book: What's Good About Anger? , the Expanded 16 Lesson Workbook and authored various workbooks and training manuals. She provides anger and conflict management classes, certificate courses and seminars. Mrs. Hoy successfully completed the Domestic Violence 40-Hour Training program. She has written the Safe Relationships & domestic abuse resources with a Christian perspective for victims. She was on staff at Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park as Director of LifeCare Ministries for 9 years. Lynette is a Critical Incident Stress Management provider and a crisis counselor with the Crisis Care Network providing counseling and debriefing to various companies. Contact Lynette at: 1-630-368-1880, ext. 1.
Mrs. Hoy counsels adults, adolescents, children and couples dealing with grief, depression, self-esteem, domestic abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, sexual abuse, divorce, anger, crisis, conflict, stress, spiritual, marriage, family and relationship issues.
Lynette holds a Master's Degree in Community & Family Counseling from Northeastern Illinois University and a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing from North Park College. Mrs. Hoy's education also includes studies in Theology and Christian counseling from Emmaus Bible College. Lynette has been a speaker for Rapha, American Association of Christian Counselors, Evangelical Child & Family Agency, Channel 38, professional, women's and community groups and churches. She has published various articles in AACC publications, the Women Today and Godly Business Woman magazines.
Lynette presents seminars & workshops on Anger, Stress, Depression, Grief, Assertiveness, Women's issues/topics, and Divorce Recovery. She co-presents the Anger Management Institute Trainer-Specialist Workshops. Lynette and her husband, David, an Attorney, are trained instructors for PREP's "Fighting for Your Marriage" seminars. Lynette is a member in good standing with NBCC, AACC, ICA, IMHCA and NAMA professional counseling and anger management organizations. Lynette and David have one adult married daughter, Colleen, who is a Law partner with her father in their Oak Brook, IL Law Office.
It is Lynette's desire to live for Christ and to share the wonderful news of the gospel: that through faith in Jesus Christ people can know for certain their sins are forgiven, they are going to heaven and discover new meaning, hope and help for their lives right now! Lynette is the President and co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. with Steve Yeschek, LCSW & the founder of the Anger Management Institute. Dr. Bedell is the Clinical Director of the Anger Management Institute and CounselCare Connection, P.C.
