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Why is it We don't get the Love we Want?

By Lynette Hoy
Published 01/16/2011

It seems that when we marry - we believe our dreams and needs will be fulfilled and our partner is everything we want. That kind of thinking happens in the stage of enchantment which may last for a year. But, inevitably, the stage of disenchantment comes for most couples.
Some things your spouse does start to irritate you. He/she no longer listens to every word you say. The interests you admired in your partner begin to cause disagreements and conflict. He/she is good at sports or music. You are fond of cooking or art shows. He always does little things for you around the house but, you want his time. You always tell him how great he is but he wants affection. And you thought you had so much in common. You thought your partner loved you just the way you wanted.
Gary Chapman in the 5 Love Languages talks about the differences married partners have. Some want words of affirmation. Others - quality time. Some want gifts or acts of service. Others prefer physical touch. It may be that you know your differences but, it's hard to accept because you want love the way you want it.
Maybe we don't experience love because we don't accept what we are given. It may be different than we expected. It may not be the same as when we first married. But, it IS love. Your spouse is trying to love you. It may not be your love language but it is love and you can enjoy it for what it is.
Maybe the way we want love - isn't realistic. Maybe we should accept the love the way our partner can give it.

Lynette Hoy

Lynette J. Hoy is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the State of Illinois. She is credentialed by the NBCC as a National Certified Counselor (NCC) and has been granted the credential: Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor by the International Board of Christian Counselors. Lynette is designated by the National Anger Management Association as an Anger Management Supervisor, Consultant, Diplomate and Certified Anger Management Specialist-1V. She has co-authored three editions of the book: What's Good About Anger? , the Expanded 16 Lesson Workbook and authored various workbooks and training manuals. She provides anger and conflict management classes, certificate courses and seminars. Mrs. Hoy successfully completed the Domestic Violence 40-Hour Training program. She has written the Safe Relationships & domestic abuse resources with a Christian perspective for victims. She was on staff at Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park as Director of LifeCare Ministries for 9 years. Lynette is a Critical Incident Stress Management provider and a crisis counselor with the Crisis Care Network providing counseling and debriefing to various companies. Contact Lynette at: 1-630-368-1880, ext. 1.
Mrs. Hoy counsels adults, adolescents, children and couples dealing with grief, depression, self-esteem, domestic abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, sexual abuse, divorce, anger, crisis, conflict, stress, spiritual, marriage, family and relationship issues.
Lynette holds a Master's Degree in Community & Family Counseling from Northeastern Illinois University and a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing from North Park College. Mrs. Hoy's education also includes studies in Theology and Christian counseling from Emmaus Bible College. Lynette has been a speaker for Rapha, American Association of Christian Counselors, Evangelical Child & Family Agency, Channel 38, professional, women's and community groups and churches. She has published various articles in AACC publications, the Women Today and Godly Business Woman magazines.
Lynette presents seminars & workshops on Anger, Stress, Depression, Grief, Assertiveness, Women's issues/topics, and Divorce Recovery. She co-presents the Anger Management Institute Trainer-Specialist Workshops. Lynette and her husband, David, an Attorney, are trained instructors for PREP's "Fighting for Your Marriage" seminars. Lynette is a member in good standing with NBCC, AACC, ICA, IMHCA and NAMA professional counseling and anger management organizations. Lynette and David have one adult married daughter, Colleen, who is a Law partner with her father in their Oak Brook, IL Law Office.
It is Lynette's desire to live for Christ and to share the wonderful news of the gospel: that through faith in Jesus Christ people can know for certain their sins are forgiven, they are going to heaven and discover new meaning, hope and help for their lives right now! Lynette is the President and co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. with Steve Yeschek, LCSW & the founder of the Anger Management Institute. Dr. Bedell is the Clinical Director of the Anger Management Institute and CounselCare Connection, P.C.